Samyama and the Driver's Test

I have been in Raleigh on vacation since Thursday. Yes, on vacation at home. It has been filled with many opportunities to meet parts of myself. The most powerful came last Thursday and Friday when I went to get my North Carolina driver's license. Yes, I have been here over 2 years as a permanent resident (over 4 years total) and I still had my Maryland license. We picked up a rules of the road to study a couple of months ago. We studied a little, but not a whole lot. We went to the MVA Thursday morning. I immediately felt the same way I did every time I took a test. I did not pass the test. I was horrified, and all the stories came, how I did not test well, how the questions were tricky, etc, etc. I also thought at the same time what a wonderful opportunity it was to be having this type of experience in the space I am currently living (internally) So I stayed with the feelings of inadequacy, of terror, and just let them all come in each moment. I also went home to study. I really wanted to put it all off until Monday. Instead I brought to mind how I would feel after the test was over and I passed, and I allowed myself to feel it as fully as I could, and I studied some more. The next morning I got up and went back to the MVA. I sat down and opened the book again and I again felt the terror, and felt myself freezing up, so I closed the book and got back into my heart, I invoked all the helpers I could think of, including healed and whole ancestors who have passed driver's tests. As my number was called, I felt a little calmer. I sat down to give my preliminary information, and I heard (in my head) 'there is no reason for you to feel such terror' It sounded like good advice, I witnessed it and said, 'But terror is what I feel, and I am going to feel it,.' So I did. At that moment I also told the little girl who was feeling the terror that she did not have to take the test, I would take it. I stayed in my heart and I kept feeling the terror. All this while, the guy inputting my information seemed to indicate he was having 'trouble' getting it to send to a computer. I was given the time I needed to feel what was in the moment. If I had told my self over and over that I should not feel that way, I would have missed the feelings that came up in the moment that needed healing. I marveled at how I was given exactly what I needed by a simple life task. (but not until the test was over.) I took the test, and yes, I passed. I stood in line for my picture, and yes I felt exactly the way I imagined I would feel after the test. So I took the picture for my new license, and I should note, it now has the same hair color as I do! (can you hear that story??) In the days that have passed, I have noticed that this little girl does not have the same level of terror, I did heal and integrate a part of myself. Everything I needed was there as long as I was present to receive it. That is my wish for every one this season, Presence to receive the gift.

Listening With Our Whole Body

Ok, so 3 buildings in 3 days did not happen. The day before the first turn over date, 2 of them were canceled at 3 PM. My first reaction was NO! Then I began breathing again and took it all in. I had no control over any of it. I could give you all the stories about how it was unfairly canceled, and how I had worked Thanksgiving weekend, and on and on and on, but I won't. Suffice to say that I recognized that whatever happens is necessary, and I concentrated on how I was feeling. Now, a week later, these 2 buildings are again scheduled to be turned over this week, They are ready. And if they do not get turned over it is not because of something I did or did not do. That much I know for sure. I have faced all my feelings about this and will continue to do so. One of the paradoxes that has come from this is that 'no one listens to what I say.' and 'I have to tell everyone every single thing or it won't get done.' Now there is a koan to sit with.

Today is St Lucia's Day. Sheila is doing a Portal as Sophia Center called Deep Listening: A Light in the Darkness. Dan and I are joining from afar. Here is a blurb from the flier. If you are called, join us too.

Sunday, December 13, 2009
~ The Feast of Saint Lucy ~
12 ~ 5pm Sophia Center

…Hearing sound with the whole body and mind,
One understands It intimately.
~ Eihei Dogen

Deep Listening is an extraordinary practice for this alignment, a profound empowerment of our inner Amazon. Deep Listening allows us to hear with our whole body-heart-mind. We hear the way a Mother hears her Child growing in her womb, the way we can hear the snow falling on a winter night.
Darkness is inescapable. It is the partner of Light. We often think of our
Amazon in terms of taking on the outer world and circumstances. The
inner work of the Amazon is to go toward and into the Darkness, listen
deeply to what our soul is whispering, hear what our body needs, and
develop the capacity to hear the whispers of comfort and guidance, the
whimpers and cries of the Child within, and the voice of the Heart that has,
perhaps, been silenced or unheard in the busyness of life. Deep listening
allows us to hear what our so-called demons are really wanting and
needing in order to become our allies and angels.
In examining a question deeply, with the whole body and mind,
it becomes a teaching that has skin, flesh, bones and marrow.
It is not only mind being transmitted by mind,
but the body itself becoming a vehicle of the truth
and expressing it in every single activity.
~John Daido Loori Roshi
Through Deep Listening, the eye that can see light in the darkness is also cultivated. Deep listening frees us from our conditioning, is without attachment, without any pre-conceived ideas or knowing what will appear.
the link to Sheila's website is included for more info on her work.

http://www.templeofthesacredfeminine.com/Temple/AboutUs/index.html

Much love to all as we sit in the darkness and ponder all that appears in the light.
Nancy

Three Buildings in Three Days

Whew, what a weekend. Three of my buildings are turning over next week, December 2nd, 3rd and 4th. I have been working tirelessly with my team to get them ready for the owner walk throughs for the last several months. The last month has been particularly stressful, and a really good reminder to me to stay present. This weekend everyone left for the long Thanksgiving weekend. That left me to be here myself to shoulder all of the work. By Wednesday I was quite frazzled and did not want to hear everyone's frivolity as they made plans for a 4 day weekend, and looking forward to a good respite from the job. I was sleep deprived and more than a little triggered. The first lovely thing that happened is that Dan volunteered to come in with me. With that support, I slept well for the first time Wednesday night. We had a very restful Thanksgiving, by ourselves. This is the first one by ourselves ever. We are thankful for everyone we ever spent this day with, and sent good thoughts to Pete in Thailand.
Dan and I did manual labor to get the buildings ready, it is just what happens toward the end of the job. Saturday morning he let me sleep in, and I had a wonderful restorative morning. So here it is Sunday afternoon. I have cleaners at the buildings, and I will go back in a little while to check on them and stay to lock up. I did my best to stay present. I realized this weekend once again what it means to be a priestess. From this place I can do or not do whatever is here. I was again reminded that whatever I need arises in my everyday experiences, that is what my life is for. There is still a way to go before the buildings are completely ready. But I am not alone in this, I never have been.
Much gratitude and love to Dan, and to all my helpers, seen and unseen.

Happy Thanksgiving

Today I have so much gratitude for everyone and every moment that brought me to this one. Gratitude and Love.

The Dismembering of a Life

I find myself in more dismemberment and at the same time, large flashes of what is True. Dan and I are embarking on leaving the known and stepping into the unknown. To think we were ever in the known is an illusion, I know that better than anyone. It has been one of the huge lessons of the initiation of Leah's death. We are taking a conscious step into the unknown, willing to know when we know, picking up the breadcrumbs when they appear. It is exciting and terrifying. In the terrifying moments I watch myself trying to negotiate safety, at least what my ego defines as safety. And when I drop back into my heart and sit with it all, my heart knows that leaving everything and stepping into the unknown is True and Right. I also know I do not have to make the timetable for it, or do anything. There terror always asks, 'How will you know what to do???'
There is nothing to do. I remain open to receiving what is here for me in the moment, and all is given. Dan and I were talking about our latest gifts of inspiration, and I caught sight of all of the moments in our lives that had led us to that moment, and I am truly grateful. It is not lost on me that we have had these latest insights in the space of another November.
Only Love, and Gratitude.

Today's Intention

Today I am willing to be surprised and delighted.

Dreams of Leah

I have been having dreams about Leah the last week or so. In it she is a reticent teenager, and does not talk to me. Or she is mad at me because I let her die, and donated her organs and she cannot come back. Today I place upon the altar my willingness to be with these feelings. At this time it feels like the veil is thin. Like another layer is getting peeled away. It takes my breath away because I know how painful this can be. And I am willing to be here, with is as it is to see what is revealed. Thank you for your witness.
Nancy

Taking Stock

The calendar tells me we are approaching another November 8th. Every year about this time I find my self ‘taking stock’ so to speak of where I am in my grief process. I look back on the previous years and sit with where I am today.This is the first year I do not feel I am ‘in a grief process’ I am in a process for sure, and some days there is grief, there is also a profound connection with Leah as she is now.

I no longer define my self as grieving for my daughter. The path through my grief has brought me into the light. I know that now. I did not want to know it for a long, long time. It is not something that I understand, it is something I know, it is here without emotion, like all things that are True. It just is, I allow it to be. I feel Leah’s presence in all of this, I wonder if she has come to understand without question that this path we are on together is necessary for each of us. I am comfortable with this unknown, this path has served my familiarity with the unknown.

I could go back and say what if, and sometimes I find myself tearing the overgrown weeds from that path to see what is there, and when the thorns prick my finger I am reminded again to sit with the pain as it is in this moment. I have so much gratitude! Who would have thought this was possible 9 years ago, yes, it will be 9 years since Leah made her transition to spirit. The enormity of that knocks me over sometimes, she would have been 26. Each year I when I contemplate this milestone, I am amazed at the difference each year brings. I have so much gratitude for Pete, and Dan. We have each responded to this initiation in our own way, each of us meeting the moment and doing our own work. We share a close bond.

As I embark on my Samyama practice, I am reminded that it is Samyama that brought me from that moment 9 years ago to this one. I have been blessed with working with several people who have also lost children, and as I sit with them and hold the space with them, my heart knows for sure I am on my path, following my call, day by day, moment by moment, always Now.

The Feeling Underneath the Story

I have been witnessing myself being very reactionary the last few days. With it comes lots of old stuff, feelings of wanting to be left alone. When I sit with that, I feel as I did as a child, wanting to be left to myself, so I didn't get yelled at, or berated, or......whatever the story is of the moment. In today's reactions, I find that I am getting triggered by things that didn't trigger me the day before. Am I just tired? Is the other person being annoying? Oh I wish that was true, those stories have served me well in the past. Today as I sit with them I know they are required. I know that everything I need to integrate all the 'stuff'' is here in this moment. Do I like it? Hell no, but what does liking it have to do with anything? I am willing to be with it, and when I am, when I let everything be as it is, when I feel all of it just as it is, all of a sudden it isn't such a monster any more. And things ease up a bit, and I get an insight into a part of me being reflected by that 'annoying' person, or situation. In the past, I might lash out at the annoying person, thinking if I could change their behavior, it would make me feel better. Now, I say nothing to them, it is not about them, it is about me, and I sit with what ever feeling is triggered. I have gratitude for the annoying person that triggers me. They are giving me an opportunity to integrate another part of myself. And it is happening right here in my day-to-day life, I do not have to look for it anywhere else, and because it is happening in my life, it is exactly right and valid for me, not for anyone else. It feels like it has taken me a long time to come to this place of understanding, of being in my life. Part of what I was feeling this week was wanting things to be different, wanting to be done with this job and to be doing Samyama full time. And then I remember something Sheila reminds us as many times as we need to hear it, 'It takes as long as it takes.' And so I continue here in this very goal oriented environment, being with what arises for me, hearing the story that I will never get anything accomplished if I 'just sit with it and do nothing' . The difference now is that I do not beleve that story. I can see it as a story, I can see all the stories. I witness them, drop into my heart and feel the feeling underneath the story. Ahh, such sweetness.

What I Do Not Know

I have been witnessing the impulse to write in this blog. When I first started it, I thought, 'why am I starting a blog? what will I write in it? writing a blog is so unlike me.' and I still had very strong guidance to start it. So I did. This is the kind of guidance I know is coming from Presence. I know what it feels like, and I am faithful to its gentle and sometimes not so gentle nudges.
Nothing I have written in it has been planned or predetermined. I do not sit up at night and think about what I will write next on this page. It is not a thinking process. When I am moved to write, I do, and whatever I am moved to write appears here. I really love this process. It is how my entire life is unfolding. I am comfortable not knowing ANYTHING! Really, I am. Because even when I think I know, I really don't. When I am in the present moment, without attachment to how things should happen, even if they have happened a certain way for 55 years, I am open to receive what is given in that moment. When I expect things to happen a certain way, run the story of a certain event in my head over and over, I may not be open to what is here now. In this moment, everything is possible, and I am willing to be surprised and delighted. How about you?

I Hope You Dance

Way back when I was still reeling from Leah's death, I asked her to send me songs on the radio as a way to communicate. A day or two later, I was in the car, and turned on a radio station I never listened to. The song MY GIRL came on. I immediately got chills, this was the song Dan and I sang to her as a baby, she would dance around whenever we did. I knew this was from her. After that I would often hear a song that she sent. One day on the way to work I heard I HOPE YOU DANCE. Tears sprung to my eyes, it felt like Leah was singing directly into my heart. It was also the first time I had ever heard that song. It was one of the things that got me through those early months of adjusting to life without Leah's physical presence.
This morning I had to have blood drawn before work, so I was in the car longer than my usual 15 minute commute. On my way back, the radio station I was listening to faded out and I changed it. I HOPE YOU DANCE was playing on the station I put on. I have not heard it for a very long time. I am so grateful for those moments when Leah reaches out to me to let me know she is here. It still brings tears to my eyes, and also a smile to my heart. And the line about feeling small standing by the ocean has so much more meaning now that I am living a block from the ocean. Take some time to listen to the song today.
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance I hope you dance !


Leah, the unicorn at age 4. (Click on the picture and look at it big, those eyes always knew)

Wild Flowers

These were taken at a wild flower garden in Minneapolis.
Enjoy.




A Nanny Berry!

Love Connects us All

Today I had a moment of clarity, of connection with everything as it is. Today, in this moment I am engaged in my life as it is, all of the wonderful ordinariness of life as it is. I am filled with joy. I am again reminded that my experience is valid for me, as yours is for you. I have so much gratitude for my experience and my journey as it has unfolded and continues to unfold. I embrace all that is in each moment, however it appears. Much love to everyone.

Attachment

Yesterday I became aware of attachments. The nuances of attachments. I think I am getting good at not becoming attached to something, and then whack, I see just how attached to it I am. Sometimes I am attached to not being attached. I realize I am getting caught up in the stories. My mind has become very good at spinning intriguing, compelling stories. They sound good, have all the right words. And when I return to my heart and feel what is there, I can feel the attachments, I can feel that the stories are not true. I remember that is really is as simple as feeling what is here in each moment. The feelings may not always be comfortable. I am more and more comfortable with whatever feeling show up, with not naming it, or judging it as positive or negative. I am also aware that as soon as I begin naming my feelings, I am again into story. Feeling the feelings in my heart, exactly as they are is all that is required.

Life and Death

Every so often something happens that reminds me the impact Leah's life and death have had/are having on other people. When I sit with that and connect with the field of everyone whose life she impacted I am filled with awe. I know that each of our experiences of her life and death are different. Some knew her, had direct experience of her light and huge heart. Some are friends of mine, and did not know her directly, but are impacted in their own way by what has happened. Each time someone reaches out to me, I am filled with gratitude for the blessings that come from being with what is. I am grateful I can receive what they are giving. As I sit now in this field, I know we are all holding each other. I can feel that so many people are still hurting so much, it brings up my own pain. And I hold all of it without condition. I have learned so much about life and death. They go hand in hand, death is a part of life. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to lose Leah to learn this lesson. When I sit with this I remember I did not lose her, she is still here. My heart breaks open yet again.
I have so much gratitude for each person who stands with us in this space. My prayer is that we can all hold what is here as it shows up for each of us. Much love to all of you.

We All Belong To Each Other

I have recently been in touch with a precious younger child who feels as if she does not belong. I became aware of her some time ago, and I have been hanging out with her since then, just letting her feel what she feels and holding her where she is at. More recently in one of our exchanges she told me she wanted to do an art project. I have set up space in the beach house to make collages and she has been spending time there.
A common feeling when I am triggered by someone or something is a feeling of not belonging. As is my practice, I sit with the feeling with out condition, sometimes with my little girl if she appears in that moment. Last night I invited every part of myself that ever felt as if she did not belong to be with me. I sat with all of these Nancys at all of the ages that appeared. Some of them were very wary, some of them eager, some of them downright skeptical. I sat with all of them just as they were in that moment. I told them I welcomed all of them and that we all belong together. I told them they can make art, or write, or play in the ocean. I told them I will listen to them and give them what they need. I told them I love them. Big Sigh!!
Today when I woke up and got ready for my walk on the beach, I told them they could come with if they wanted. Some of them even came to work with me.
I feel so ................ no words can describe the feelings.
We are all here now, and welcome whoever else shows up. My intention is to continue to invite them in and allow them to be heard. This feels very integrating.

Being in the Ocean

Last night we went to play in the ocean. The ocean was about as flat as I have ever seen it. It was breaking only at the shore. Standing in it felt more like being in Lake Michigan than the Atlantic Ocean. As I stood there thinking there was little movement, I became aware of the swells, and the feeling of the water going back where it came from as it receded. I found I could not 'just stand there.' I was being carried along with the water. Even though it appeared not to me moving, there was movement. I felt it Aha! There it is again, feeling.

At work yesterday I was feeling the stickiness of everything. Just feeling it and it felt yucky, and I stayed with it. When I thought about going in the ocean, I thought, that it would be a good place for me to continue to hold the sticky feelings, and maybe they would shift. When I got there, the sticky feelings were not there, and I thought I should try to feel them. Then I got present and realized that if they aren't here, I can't feel them, and to just Be in the Ocean. I am grateful that these lessons keep coming ever so gently as I continue to navigate this life.

The ocean on a day with a little more wave action.

Being With What is, Without Condition

These past few weeks I have been being more than ever before. Doing no longer makes sense to me. Being does not make sense to my thinking mind, and that is OK, I let my mind have its say and return to the heart of being. I am getting comfortable with being uncomfortable if that is what appears in a given moment. This feeling is relatively new, and I am welcoming all feeling without condition. It feels like such freedom to do so. When I am in the present moment I feel enlivened. When I try to describe what that is to me, the words do not come, I am content to feel enlivened. It does not matter the feeling, whether it is a previously described negative or positive feeling, when I am feeling it in the moment, without condition, there is nothing else.
If you are reading this now, I invite you to be with whatever arises for you as you read this. If a story arises, let the story be there, notice it, and feel the feelings that are surrounding the story. and breathe. Now let the story fade and stay with the feeling, what ever it is, however it appears, and just stay with it as long as you can, without condition. Drop the feelings into your heart, give them breath and be with them. Always come back to the feeling. There is nothing to do, be with the feelings.
I am currently in an uncomfortable feeling place. I am coming face to face with people who are reflecting places in me that feel like shit. I recognize these feelings, these reflections as exactly what I need to integrate a part of myself. They are the medicine I require at precisely the right moment. It is not about the people or situation, it is about the feelings that arise when I am faced with these situations. It is another example of how we are given exactly what we need in the context of our everyday life.
I am so grateful for the feelings, for the situations and people that trigger places in me that are ready to heal. And I welcome the opportunity to feel everything as it appears in the moment.

Follow up to the above post: After I sat with the uncomfortableness I became involved in something at work. This took me into several conversations with people, all the while I was in that present moment, not aware of any uncomfortable feeling. Later as I went back to my office and picked up a piece of work I had been working on before getting called into the conversations, i noticed that my comfort level has shifted. This is the alchemy that happens when we are with what ever appears in the present moment without condition. We do not try to make the feelings go away, we let them be as they are, with out a story. This is all that is needed for alchemy to occur.

Being

Dan and I were having a discussion about 'Not Doing' last night. I told him that more gets done when I am not doing than when I am trying to control the outcome of every little thing. We both work in a very 'Doing' environment. I hear "what are you going to do about that???" a million times a day. I always answer to myself, 'Nothing, I am going to do absolutely nothing about that.' and then I let the feeling of that statement permeate my body.

Here is how I get my job done without doing a thing. I add things that need to be accomplished to a list. Then I sit with that list, and ask for the items on it to be prioritized, without being attached to what those priorities are. Then I continue to be present in each moment. Before I know it, things on my list are getting done. The doing arises from the not-doing, from being-ness. I find myself picking up the phone to make a call, and one thing gets crossed off the list. Sometimes, after I list things on my paper and sit with it, someone comes and tells me that it has been taken care of. I LOVE this process. It is so much easier Being than Doing.

There have been times when a co-worker asked me what I did to accomplish a certain task that at the time was daunting, and I say with complete honesty, "Not a thing, I didn't do anything."

My Mother Heart

My heart is full today. Still feeling the reverberation of Leah's birthday yesterday, still missing my sweet girl's hugs. Still feeling the mother-longing in my heart. Grateful for the work that allows me to hold it all, no matter how it feels. Grateful that soon I will get a real live hug from Pete. So grateful for both of my children, no longer children, one is a man, the other, well, she is what she is.

Meet my son, Pete.

Happy Birthday Leah

Today is Leah's birthday. I like to think of her dancing with her grandmas and grandpas. Happy Birthday sweet girl.

Sunrise on the Beach

Today I began my day on the beach, walking and running, and being in silence. The beach is beautiful in the early morning light. I even saw Mercury brightly shining before sunrise. Yesterday I received guidance to begin my day this way. In the past when I receive guidance to do any thing that involves getting up earlier, I sit with it as long as I possibly can until the 'sitting with' is more painful that the actual getting up early. :) I have learned to respond to guidance without questioning why. It may be the answer to a prayer, in a form that I had not expected. When we pray without attachment, and are open to receive the answers in whatever form they may appear, the answer is often unexpected. I have also learned to be without condition with any feelings arising from the resistance to guidance. This keeps me from spending long painful bouts with myself arguing about why I need more sleep, or why I should do it a little differently than it is presented to me. These mind games usually happen in the early morning, or in the middle of the night, causing me to lose much more sleep than if I follow the guidance. I am so grateful for these lessons. The thought of myself arguing with myself in the middle of the night about how to get more sleep makes me laugh. I welcome the gift of the morning light, and whatever may appear each morning as I greet the day on the beach.

A New Samyama Experience

Yesterday I was hit with a wave of grief. It felt like Leah had died recently. I was at work, and had not had a wave this strong hit me for a very long time. I closed my office door and cried, and Samyama-d my feelings. Just letting them be as they were. I thought at the time how grateful I was for Samyama, that I could feel what I was feeling and not do anything, trusting that my heart could hold all that was there. After a while, the feelings shifted, and I went on with my day, holding all of it with me. When I got home, I sat with the feelings again, as they were in that moment, and I felt Leah's presence. I invited her to be with me as she is, without me needing to know what that is. I Samyama-d Leah! As I sat with her, my feelings of grief were dispersed. I truly felt gratitude that I can still be with her as she is now. I feel the grief when I want things to be different than they are. When I am with her, I am at peace. What a wonderful gift as we approach her birthday.

Missing Leah

In the silence I find another as yet unexplored pocket of grief. I miss my girl so much, miss her smile, miss her eyes, miss her hugs. It hurts so much. My heart breaks open yet again, the tears come, I let them. I sit with all of it. There is nothing else to do. I love you Leah, I miss you.

Silence

I feel drawn to the silence of Holy Week. Everything is found in the silence. The moment can be experienced in the silence. Sitting in silence without story allows for heart to be open, to be receptive. I welcome the silence and embrace the unknown.

Bleeding Heart

Lots of emotion coming up today around Leah. Then I remember, we have entered April, the month of her birthday. In years past I would anticipate this month, this year I am with it. I will be with her this month in our new found way of being together, of continuing our relationship.

Today I put my broken open heart on the altar.

My Beach

Today at work there was a pot luck lunch. everyone gathered at once and ate a feast, about 25 people in all. I was looking forward to it, heck I had even suggested it. We also had a DVD of our corporate business meeting which was held in Baltimore a few weeks ago. As I sat in this atmosphere I was getting triggered left and right, I was definitely not having fun, and I was finding almost everyone annoying. I could not get present in this atmosphere, I felt like the life was being sucked out of me. I witnessed all of this and at one point thought to myself, 'oh great, here I go back into story land' My mind told me I was regressing back to the time when I did not have direct experience of feeling what is here without condition. I continued to witness that, and decided it was time to go home, to get out of there. As I drove east, as far east as the road would take me, I was still sitting with all of it, and I said out loud, ' I don't believe any of it!' Any of the stories my mind was spinning about what went on today. As soon as I got home, I changed clothes and went for a long long walk on the beach. No other person was there, just me, the gulls, sandpipers, kingfishers and pelicans. I walked, being with the ocean, until I returned to spaciousness and my own being-ness. what I have sometimes described as Nanci-ness.

I am now sitting looking at the silent sound, (yes, I know!) and I can again hold it all. At the end of the day I was exhausted, and I realized that when I used to get spun up and attached to every single thing, and then set out to 'fix it' or 'do something about it' that I would be exhausted at the end of those days too. I am grateful that I can return to being-ness by being with what is without condition. ahhhh. here is a picture of my beach.

















And the sunset

Being With Everyone as They are Now

Last Tuesday I found myself driving from Raleigh to the beach by myself, I stayed at home to take care of a few things while Dan went back to the beach and work on Monday. On the way I popped in a Michael Brown CD. I have listened to this particular CD about 10 times. It is funny how each time I do, I hear something different, this time I heard that everyone/thing stays here, they just change form. (badly paraphrased I am sure) As I sat with that thought after I got back to the beach, I made the intention to welcome Leah as is now in my every day life. This has been my intention each day as I arose, and often during the day she would be here, and I would just be with her as she is, and be grateful. Today as I was chopping green pepper I remembered how my mom would slice off the top circle of the pepper and give it to me to eat, and then later give it to Leah to eat. (my inner little girl always wondered why I didn't get the pepper any more, but that is another story!) As I was thinking about that, I felt Leah say to me, "you know your mom and dad are also here, are you willing to welcome them as they are now?" My thinking brain immediately said, NO! and I just witnessed it saying no, and returned to the feeling of my parents being here. Then the tears came, and I stared at the water in the sound and let them come, being with the feeling of welcoming my parents as they are now. As I did, something shifted, and I felt a part of my relationship with them heal. And then we all danced!

I have not yet talked about when I discovered Michael Brown's work in the course of my Samyama journey. Here is the link to his website if you are ready to go there now.

http://www.thepresenceportal.com/

Samyama as a Way of Life

Even though Leah's death was my portal into living daily in my heart, Samyama affected every other aspect of my life. Through Samyama I was able to access parts of my self, my inner child self that I never could before. The key here was allowing her to feel what she was feeling in the moment. I had done inner child work many years before, but never with the feeling part. By allowing my little girl to feel what she was feeling, no matter what age she appeared in a given moment, I was able to meet parts of myself that I had never met before. I knew they existed, but only under the the guise of fear, or anger, or some other was of acting out or trying to control outcomes. Samyama was the key that unlocked access to myself, for the first time I was coming face to face with mySelf. When I was able to relate to myself, and listen to myself and allow myself to feel all of my relationships with others began to change, not because I was changing them, but rather my attitude was changing, I was integrating parts of myself that had been in shadow. When I began meeting these shadow parts of myself in my heart they were great teachers. All parts of ourselves want to be met. Samyama gave me the technology to meet them as they are in my heart. This is a huge gift.


The biggest relationship changes occured with my husband Dan, and my son Peter. Pete was 20 when he lost his sister. I cannot imagine what it was like to lose your only sibling, at that tender age.

The three of us all dealt with our grief in our own way, and we were always open to each other. The wisdom in that was each of us knew we had to attend to ourselves first. It was several years before Dan and I could comfort each other. In the first few years we did most of our grief processing in private. Once we emerged from the day-to-day shock of losing Leah, we then came smack up against places in ourselves and our marriage that were not serving us. We began a multi-year process of just sitting with our shit day by day, burning and burning. We even held a ritual we called our spiritual divorce to meet and surrender all that was no longer serving us in our relationship. The next part of this journey was an intent to enter into a Sacred Partnership. This was followed by a couple more years of sitting and burning. None of this was comfortable and a lot of it was downright painful. We were no longer willing to make due, we spoke our intent to meet each other from our own Truth and integrity, each bringing a whole person to the other, not looking to the other to make us complete. Two years later, we committed to each other at sunrise on a beach in Cozumel. We did not plan it, it organically arose during the time we were in Cozumel. Today, we continue our journey first taking care of our own work, and meeting each other consciously in each moment as it arises rather than bringing up stories from our past, or fabricating new ones. Or maybe what really happens is when we do find ourselves in the stories we now know where to find ourselves, and how to meet the stories and get beneath them. These days we do not begin any important conversation without first sitting in silence with our intentions for outcome in our hearts. The outcome is always without attachment of how we are going to get there. It is amazing to me where these explorations take us after we sit.

Self Samyama

That first experience with Samyama encouraged me to deepen my practice. At that point I was doing inner process work twice a month with a facilitator, mostly Samyama, mostly in my sessions. I had proven to myself one of the really cool things about Samyama, I could do it by my SELF! Doing self-Samyama takes a lot of discipline, or at least that was the story I was telling myself at the time. I did it, but not longer than 3 or 5 minutes, and still it was phenomenal how it worked. My self-samyama sessions made the Samyama work I did with my Samyama practitioner deeper. I look at the time between these early Samyama experiences and Leah's death as dabbling in Samyama.

I had a moment of clarity soon after she died that I had been preparing for what was to come next for a long time. It was one of those moments that crystallized for me that everything that I did up until that moment happened exactly right at exactly the right time. It was also the first time I thought that my own experience is valid for me, but at that time it was still a head thought, it would be years before I knew this to be true in my heart. After Leah died, I knew intuitively that Samyama was the only thing that would take me from moment to moment in my pain and despair and grief. I dove into it, still wanting things to be different, and at the same time knowing that the only way through this was to be with the pain, devastation and grief as it appeared in each moment. Easy, no, necessary, yes. This was not a conscious, well thought out analytical decision, it was a heart decision, it was almost choice-less.

For several years, my Samyama practitioner extended the invitation to attend the Temple of the Sacred Feminine. (then called The School for Women Healers)
http://www.templeofthesacredfeminine.com/Temple/Home/index.html
The information I saw always intrigued me, but I thought I was not evolved enough. Now that was a big story! After Leah died, I was drawn to attend one of the portal weekends. I still did not feel evolved enough, but I could not stay away. Other grief support groups I looked in to did not resonate with me. This was not grief support, rather it was a community of women who welcomed me and supported me and loved me from the moment I stepped foot inside the Sophia Center. It was unlike any other community experience I had ever had. They did not try to fix me. They held me when I wailed. The were sacred witnesses to my broken open heart. I was able to just BE, for the first time in my life. I attended the Temple for 4 years, and entered apprenticeship for Samyama practitioners. I spent another 4 years completing my apprenticeship. As my journey in the Temple and my apprenticeship spiraled, my Samyama practice became my way of meeting each day. Living from my heart radically changed my life.

From where I am now I can see that the inner work I had done to that point prepared me to do the work I entered, willing to be with whatever arose in the moment, without wanting it to be different. I did not need to talk endlessly about what happened only to stay in the drama. Sometimes I think that would have been easier, to stop everything right where I was and be the victim , the poor woman who lost her daughter, I know I was tempted more than once to stay there. And each time I took the feelings to my heart and allowed them to be as they were, I gradually learned that I could feel the pain with out suffering. At times, I would receive an unexpected blessing. At first I felt guilty for feeling anything other than pain, for receiving a new insight, or a connection that would not have been possible under any other circumstances. The beauty of Samyama is we start with whatever is there, when I felt guilt, I would go in to the guilt in my heart and feel it, listen to any stories my head was telling me, witness the stories, and return to my heart, to the feeling, always returning to the feeling. The feeling by itself, with out the story of the feeling was/is always different. You and I may each have different stories of anxiety, we may each describe it differently, and it may hold different feelings. When we bring awareness to the feeling of anxiety to our heart, while dropping our stories of anxiety, that is where the alchemy happens. A shift may occur the first, third or hundredth time you bring this feeling to your heart. I was going to say 'each time you bring this same feeling to your heart' however, if you are bringing something to your heart in the moment in which it arises, it is never exactly the same. It is only when we think it is the same, when we tell ourselves the same story about it that we always have, that is seems like the 'same old thing' coming up again and again. When we are present in each moment, it is like we are starting at the beginning. It is the scrupulous devotion to being with what is, exactly as it arises in the present moment that has brought me from the moment my daughter died to this moment. Along the way, in each moment many wondrous things happened. I suspect some of them will be placed upon this altar, when the time is right.

Gratitude

I am filled tonight with so much gratitude. I am grateful for the silent sound and the raucous ocean. I am grateful for warm hugs, in person, or sent on email.

Just sit for a moment and feel the gratitude in your heart.....now feel it, really feel it with out the object of your gratitude. Feel the energy of gratitude......just feel it in your heart.

Me with Dan and Pete
Leah

My Introduction To Samyama

When I think back to the first time I really really 'got' Samyama, it was an exchange with Leah. I had been introduced to Samyama and I had been practicing it before this 'first' time for about a year. Learning the discipline of going to my heart took a long time for me, certainly a lot longer than some of my clients are able to do. My first experience of how holding something in my heart can cause a shift occurred with anger. It was anger about an exchange I had with Leah, then a young teenager. This was an intense raging anger that I had known before. Nothing I had ever done could get rid of the anger. My thought in that moment, was something like "well nothing else has ever worked, I might as well Samyama it" So I allowed myself to feel the rage as intense as it was in that moment. My fear was that I was going to completely explode if I allowed myself to go into it completely. That is what had happened when I tried to get rid of it, or ignore it, or deny it. I would explode in a rage so frightening that I vowed to never get angry again. Well that didn't work. As I sat and felt my anger it did get bigger and bigger, and I just sat with it and felt it. And then it started to shift. I stayed with it a little more, and it shifted a little more. And then it was gone, and I felt gratitude. WHAT?? In that moment I did not question what had happened, I stayed with the feeling of gratitude and knew that I had for the first time experienced the alchemy that happens when awareness is brought to the heart.

Feeling Joy and Pain

What came up for me today is I can feel joy even though Leah is no longer here in form. I don't even try to explain this phenomenon, there are no words. It has been over 8 years since Leah has died. I have cried rivers of tears, asked WHY a million times, written thousands of words, and gotten stuck in the mire of the accident and the time in the hospital. It is only when I return to my heart and feel those feelings in this moment that I get it. Samyama has served me well in this respect. I now know I can hold it all in my heart. When I let the pain be as it is and hold it in my heart, a shift happens. The more I try to explain this, to put words to the process, the more the words elude me. All I know is that it is beyond feeling at this point. It is just about Being. Being without condition with all of it. Feeling the energy beneath the story, what ever the story is. I can hear Leah telling me to lighten up. I am willing to surrender the story of how a mother who lost her daughter is 'supposed to behave' So that is what I put on the altar today.

Opening to What Is

Samyama offers a way of meeting each moment of life. Whether it is an ordinary moment in our day-to-day lives (like sitting in traffic when you are late for an appointment), or one of unusual trauma, grief, joy, or pleasure. The practice of Samyama helps us to open to what is, as it is. Allowing us to experience the perfection of Life as it is, no matter how it appears. This is so even in the most heart-shattering experiences. Samyama alleviates the suffering of wanting things to be different than they are–no matter what they are.
Samyama can assist us to dissolve painful psychological states and the layers of protection over our hearts. Forgiveness, love, compassion, and joy arise naturally. We can give up struggling and agonizing. This is not a method to fix what is wrong. Samyama consistently reveals so beautifully that there is nothing wrong, and no one needing to be fixed. It leads us to realize that every wound is a portal to the Holy, if we can be present enough to recognize it. Samyama teaches us presence.
Samyama is a simple heart centered practice that is a way of being with whatever arises in each moment.

Welcome

As I completed my apprenticeship and stepped over the threshold of my practice, I was moved to begin this blog. The name of the blog arose from the name of my daily journal. As I enter my practice, I am willing to not know what it will look like and I welcome all that arises in the moment.