My Mother Heart

My heart is full today. Still feeling the reverberation of Leah's birthday yesterday, still missing my sweet girl's hugs. Still feeling the mother-longing in my heart. Grateful for the work that allows me to hold it all, no matter how it feels. Grateful that soon I will get a real live hug from Pete. So grateful for both of my children, no longer children, one is a man, the other, well, she is what she is.

Meet my son, Pete.

Happy Birthday Leah

Today is Leah's birthday. I like to think of her dancing with her grandmas and grandpas. Happy Birthday sweet girl.

Sunrise on the Beach

Today I began my day on the beach, walking and running, and being in silence. The beach is beautiful in the early morning light. I even saw Mercury brightly shining before sunrise. Yesterday I received guidance to begin my day this way. In the past when I receive guidance to do any thing that involves getting up earlier, I sit with it as long as I possibly can until the 'sitting with' is more painful that the actual getting up early. :) I have learned to respond to guidance without questioning why. It may be the answer to a prayer, in a form that I had not expected. When we pray without attachment, and are open to receive the answers in whatever form they may appear, the answer is often unexpected. I have also learned to be without condition with any feelings arising from the resistance to guidance. This keeps me from spending long painful bouts with myself arguing about why I need more sleep, or why I should do it a little differently than it is presented to me. These mind games usually happen in the early morning, or in the middle of the night, causing me to lose much more sleep than if I follow the guidance. I am so grateful for these lessons. The thought of myself arguing with myself in the middle of the night about how to get more sleep makes me laugh. I welcome the gift of the morning light, and whatever may appear each morning as I greet the day on the beach.

A New Samyama Experience

Yesterday I was hit with a wave of grief. It felt like Leah had died recently. I was at work, and had not had a wave this strong hit me for a very long time. I closed my office door and cried, and Samyama-d my feelings. Just letting them be as they were. I thought at the time how grateful I was for Samyama, that I could feel what I was feeling and not do anything, trusting that my heart could hold all that was there. After a while, the feelings shifted, and I went on with my day, holding all of it with me. When I got home, I sat with the feelings again, as they were in that moment, and I felt Leah's presence. I invited her to be with me as she is, without me needing to know what that is. I Samyama-d Leah! As I sat with her, my feelings of grief were dispersed. I truly felt gratitude that I can still be with her as she is now. I feel the grief when I want things to be different than they are. When I am with her, I am at peace. What a wonderful gift as we approach her birthday.

Missing Leah

In the silence I find another as yet unexplored pocket of grief. I miss my girl so much, miss her smile, miss her eyes, miss her hugs. It hurts so much. My heart breaks open yet again, the tears come, I let them. I sit with all of it. There is nothing else to do. I love you Leah, I miss you.

Silence

I feel drawn to the silence of Holy Week. Everything is found in the silence. The moment can be experienced in the silence. Sitting in silence without story allows for heart to be open, to be receptive. I welcome the silence and embrace the unknown.

Bleeding Heart

Lots of emotion coming up today around Leah. Then I remember, we have entered April, the month of her birthday. In years past I would anticipate this month, this year I am with it. I will be with her this month in our new found way of being together, of continuing our relationship.

Today I put my broken open heart on the altar.