I have been having dreams about Leah the last week or so. In it she is a reticent teenager, and does not talk to me. Or she is mad at me because I let her die, and donated her organs and she cannot come back. Today I place upon the altar my willingness to be with these feelings. At this time it feels like the veil is thin. Like another layer is getting peeled away. It takes my breath away because I know how painful this can be. And I am willing to be here, with is as it is to see what is revealed. Thank you for your witness.
Nancy
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
Taking Stock
The calendar tells me we are approaching another November 8th. Every year about this time I find my self ‘taking stock’ so to speak of where I am in my grief process. I look back on the previous years and sit with where I am today.This is the first year I do not feel I am ‘in a grief process’ I am in a process for sure, and some days there is grief, there is also a profound connection with Leah as she is now.
I no longer define my self as grieving for my daughter. The path through my grief has brought me into the light. I know that now. I did not want to know it for a long, long time. It is not something that I understand, it is something I know, it is here without emotion, like all things that are True. It just is, I allow it to be. I feel Leah’s presence in all of this, I wonder if she has come to understand without question that this path we are on together is necessary for each of us. I am comfortable with this unknown, this path has served my familiarity with the unknown.
I could go back and say what if, and sometimes I find myself tearing the overgrown weeds from that path to see what is there, and when the thorns prick my finger I am reminded again to sit with the pain as it is in this moment. I have so much gratitude! Who would have thought this was possible 9 years ago, yes, it will be 9 years since Leah made her transition to spirit. The enormity of that knocks me over sometimes, she would have been 26. Each year I when I contemplate this milestone, I am amazed at the difference each year brings. I have so much gratitude for Pete, and Dan. We have each responded to this initiation in our own way, each of us meeting the moment and doing our own work. We share a close bond.
As I embark on my Samyama practice, I am reminded that it is Samyama that brought me from that moment 9 years ago to this one. I have been blessed with working with several people who have also lost children, and as I sit with them and hold the space with them, my heart knows for sure I am on my path, following my call, day by day, moment by moment, always Now.
I no longer define my self as grieving for my daughter. The path through my grief has brought me into the light. I know that now. I did not want to know it for a long, long time. It is not something that I understand, it is something I know, it is here without emotion, like all things that are True. It just is, I allow it to be. I feel Leah’s presence in all of this, I wonder if she has come to understand without question that this path we are on together is necessary for each of us. I am comfortable with this unknown, this path has served my familiarity with the unknown.
I could go back and say what if, and sometimes I find myself tearing the overgrown weeds from that path to see what is there, and when the thorns prick my finger I am reminded again to sit with the pain as it is in this moment. I have so much gratitude! Who would have thought this was possible 9 years ago, yes, it will be 9 years since Leah made her transition to spirit. The enormity of that knocks me over sometimes, she would have been 26. Each year I when I contemplate this milestone, I am amazed at the difference each year brings. I have so much gratitude for Pete, and Dan. We have each responded to this initiation in our own way, each of us meeting the moment and doing our own work. We share a close bond.
As I embark on my Samyama practice, I am reminded that it is Samyama that brought me from that moment 9 years ago to this one. I have been blessed with working with several people who have also lost children, and as I sit with them and hold the space with them, my heart knows for sure I am on my path, following my call, day by day, moment by moment, always Now.
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