It's Brand New

Welcome to my updated blog. My practice is growing and so is my page. Please pass on the link to your friends so that we can spread the word and the work to all who are called.

The light is returning, may your life be illuminated in all the places you are longing for light and Truth.

Much love,

Nancy

Deeper into the Portal

Time is suspended, speeding up, nonexistent as we approach the 10th anniversary. Each day is different. Yesterday on the way back to Raleigh from the beach, I met a woman at a rest stop who asked to use my cell phone. She had been visiting her daughter and left her purse there with all of her money and her cell phone. She told her daughter that in the midst of hugging and hugging, she forgot it. I got back in the car on my way, and burst into tears, missing my own daughter.
Today nuances of those times back 10 years ago slide into my consciousness. Ten years ago today is the last time I saw Leah, the last time I got a hug from her. A feeling of how it felt when I heard she was in the accident. A feeling I had at the hospital, on the way there, talking to her friends. With each glimpse, I let it be there, know it is not real here in this moment, and just be with the feelings. Some of the feelings are not possible to put into words. The desperation of a mother faced to continue on without her daughter. Ten years have passed, and she is still not here.

Entering the Portal

Today I entered the time and space surrounding Leah's transition. It is familiar territory after 10 years, and it is no less painful. It feels like my heart is breaking open all over again. It feels like I am back there trying to make sense of it all, it is heavy and all encompassing. I am willing to be here because I know by now that the only way past this is through it. To meet it as it is in this moment.
Nancy

The Gift of Time and Space

While I had thought that Dan and I would only be living apart for about 6 weeks, reality is that is will be more like more like 4 months. For a while I was not liking that, and being grumpy about it and living 'temporarily'. This was not serving me however, I was feeling horrible physically, and not attending to myself, just biding time until we were back to 'normal'. I was so miserable that I decided to sit with these feelings and find out what was going on here. And I had some revelations, this time and space alone is providing the opportunity for both Dan and me to process things we could not have processed had we been together. We have been given the gift of space and time to just be with our stuff. As I emerged from my stupor, the message I received was this, 'Be grateful for exactly where you are' And so I am. I am grateful for the opportunity to meet myself in a way that is only possible when I am by myself. I am grateful to be given the gift of sleeping in my own bed and making meals for myself, and learning that yes, I can make wonderful meals just for me. I am learning how to take care of myself, by myself. Each week when one of us leaves to go back to our respective 'home' I am meeting an old wound of abandonment, and I am sitting with the feelings as they are. I noticed this past week, they were not as strong, just a little tug that shifted when I allowed it to be there and felt it. I am learning in a new way to be scrupulously present to each moment. Everything I need is in that moment. I am grateful for the silence and the space to once again remember these lessons.

Another Opportunity for Growth

I have been in Raleigh for a week now, working at the Raleigh office. Dan is still at the beach. I am aware how things are different during transition times, and yet, is that the way it is in each moment? Every moment is different from the next. There were several occurrences during this week that spun stories and touched places of fear that have not yet been integrated. These were all very familiar and in the past may have had me spinning with the story for a while before I came to my heart with the feelings...Ah yes, another opportunity for growth. I chose to meet each story as it was and feel the feelings that were there. What I discovered this time is that the fear was not as deep as it had been, my little girl climbed up in my lap, and I held her, and we sat with the fear. And in the next moment it had shifted and I was once again full of gratitude for this work, and the gentle way it takes me into my feelings.
While in Raleigh it will be a good opportunity to see clients face to face here. I welcome that opportunity.

Transitions and Stories

Transition time again, or is it always a transition and I am not always aware? What I have been aware of lately are my stories. So many stories! The good news it I recognize them almost immediately and they make me laugh. A sense of humor is good, and I particularly like mine. When I am overly serious, I know for sure I am lost in the stories, trying to make sense of them. I can hear Leah saying 'Lighten up mom'
I am getting ready to move to a new job. Here is the confusing part, it is in almost the same place, but we have not mobilized on the site yet...which means that I will be going home to Raleigh for a month or so. Then when we mobilbize I will be coming back to the beach. Dan is staying at this job longer, so he will be living at the beach, and I will be in Raleigh, and we will be meeting one place or the other on weekends. It always feels harder to me to stay present when I am in these kind of transition times. Now there is a story for you! Maybe I am more aware of my stories because I am present? It doesn't matter why I am aware of them, what does matter is that when I am aware of my stories, I can move beyond them and not be in a struggle with them. I do know that is when I feel stress the most, when I am believing my stories and trying to make sense of them. I have had several examples lately that things are not what they seem. Things that have made me laugh out loud they were so silly.
So if things are not what they seem, I am willing to be surprised and delighted.

Stirring the Soup

We are back from Minneapolis after a very sustaining visit with Pete. I spent my birthday with my two favorite people in the whole world! Our time together as always is a gift.

Next up is a visit from dear friends, Mary and Rob.

I am feeling momentum, each experience lately feels like ingredients of the soup.
And it is cookin' !!

Gratitude and Love

So much love and gratitude to everyone who has purchased Fearless Nest. And your feed back touches my heart so...
All of the stories contain so much wisdom and transmit love. They all make me feel how connected we all are.
Thanks again. You can always purchase a copy form me and a few dollars will go toward the Leah's Legacy Foundation.

Big Love,
Nancy

Meet Kali

Kali is our new kitten. She is about 3 months. It is good to have kitten energy in the house again

Happy Birthday Leah

Today is Leah's birthday. We got a new kitty last night. She always finds ways to make us smile around her birthday.






Here is a rainbow that appeared tonight. It was a full double rainbow.

The Minestry Begins

A few weeks ago Dan and I were in Raleigh for the weekend. On Friday night I heard about an 8th grade girl who died when she was hit by a car crossing the street after school. I did what I always do when I hear this kind of news. I sat in silence and held her family and friends, and asked Leah to help her.

The next day, Dan and I were checking out a new farmers market that promised some local organic produce. It was too early for there to be any at the market, but I was moved to go anyway to talk to the participants and get some information.

As we were driving back home, we came upon the site of the accident. Dan said, 'should we stop?' In that moment, a thousand thoughts were vying for attention in my mind, all of them shouting, 'no way!' My heart said 'YES' I was driving, I told him, let me get there, do not make me talk about this right now. I was shaking like a leaf until I pulled up to the site and got out of the car. There were about a half dozen of her friends drawing with chalk on the side walk. We talked with one of the father's of the girls making an altar to their friend. We told them we were there to witness. We talked to the girls. Dan told them he stopped by Leah's accident site and talked to her friends gathered after she died. We told them to talk to each other, to be there for each other and to feel what they were feeling.
There was a local TV crew filming the girls artwork, and talking to them about what happened. Dan and I were asked why we were there, and we told them. We were also interviewed, and a part of the interview was on TV.
As Dan and I drove away that day, I said to him, 'It feels like our ministry has begun.' He said, 'yes'.

FEARLESS NEST is Here!

It is with great excitement that I announce the publication of

FEARLESS NEST, Our Children as our Greatest Teachers.

This book is a compilation of mother stories, edited by Shana Stanberry Parker. My contribution is FLYING FREE, about lessons I learned from Leah.
For more information, see the web site link.
http://www.FearlessNest.com

It makes a wonderful Mother's Day Gift!

You can order directly from lulu, or you can order from me. The cost is $15.00. If you order from me a few dollars will go toward the Leah's Legacy Foundation.
The publication of this book coincides with further development of the Leah's Legacy Foundation. There will be more information coming on these developments soon!

My heart is so full of love and gratitude.

Nancy

Fearless Nest

I just found out that FEARLESS NEST, a book of Mother's essays is coming out in May.
I have an essay included in this wondrous project. My heart is over flowing. Stay tuned for more!

Samyama and Traffic

When I lived in Maryland, and the proximity to DC and Baltimore traffic, I would often use traffic as a daily and mundane application for Samyama, first for myself and then my early clients. Being in the moment in traffic was not easy for me at first. I was impatient, and wanted it to move, NOW. This was sometimes tied to being late, but not always. I always allowed enough time, even for 'normal rush hour traffic' and for the most part was never late. Being late was definitely one of my triggers, it still is. I had an experience this last week with traffic and being late. As a child and growing up, being on time for me was a way I (thought) I could control things. This past week I had a hair appointment in a new location in Wilmington, NC. I have been to Wilmington, however I knew one way to get around. I gave myself an extra 35 minutes to get there. As it turns out, the road I knew was closed in both directions due to a gas main leak. I sat there, literally, the traffic was not moving, and began to panic, then I remembered to breathe, and I called someone for help. I got what seemed like good directions, so I turned around and set out the other way. I ended up on the right street, just going the wrong way. I still had 20 minutes, so I called the salon, and told them I was on my way, but lost. They were very helpful and got me turned around, and I realized now that I would be late, and told them so. They said not to worry, the appointment after mine had canceled, and they were happy they could help me. OK, now my decision was to continue breathing, staying in my heart and taking to heart what they told me, OR, tell myself a story about how I was late and blah, blah blah.....I chose to stay in my heart, and I was 20 minutes late, and then I asked myself, 'what is being late anyway?' Even though it seemed a struggle at the time, I did stay present, I was late, and I made it though and had a pleasant experience, and I learned another way around Wilmington. Again, another example of how every day life holds a lesson as long as we are present to receive it. For example, if I had not been present enough to receive guidance to call someone, I may have relied on a past memory of a similar experience and sat there hoping the road was not closed, (I didn't know it was closed at the time) and been even later, and maybe been too full of shame to show up at all) None of this made me feel very good, and that was OK. I was with the feeling as it was, and knew that the lesson there that day was necessary. Oh, and I got the best haircut I have had in almost a year.