Samyama and the Driver's Test

I have been in Raleigh on vacation since Thursday. Yes, on vacation at home. It has been filled with many opportunities to meet parts of myself. The most powerful came last Thursday and Friday when I went to get my North Carolina driver's license. Yes, I have been here over 2 years as a permanent resident (over 4 years total) and I still had my Maryland license. We picked up a rules of the road to study a couple of months ago. We studied a little, but not a whole lot. We went to the MVA Thursday morning. I immediately felt the same way I did every time I took a test. I did not pass the test. I was horrified, and all the stories came, how I did not test well, how the questions were tricky, etc, etc. I also thought at the same time what a wonderful opportunity it was to be having this type of experience in the space I am currently living (internally) So I stayed with the feelings of inadequacy, of terror, and just let them all come in each moment. I also went home to study. I really wanted to put it all off until Monday. Instead I brought to mind how I would feel after the test was over and I passed, and I allowed myself to feel it as fully as I could, and I studied some more. The next morning I got up and went back to the MVA. I sat down and opened the book again and I again felt the terror, and felt myself freezing up, so I closed the book and got back into my heart, I invoked all the helpers I could think of, including healed and whole ancestors who have passed driver's tests. As my number was called, I felt a little calmer. I sat down to give my preliminary information, and I heard (in my head) 'there is no reason for you to feel such terror' It sounded like good advice, I witnessed it and said, 'But terror is what I feel, and I am going to feel it,.' So I did. At that moment I also told the little girl who was feeling the terror that she did not have to take the test, I would take it. I stayed in my heart and I kept feeling the terror. All this while, the guy inputting my information seemed to indicate he was having 'trouble' getting it to send to a computer. I was given the time I needed to feel what was in the moment. If I had told my self over and over that I should not feel that way, I would have missed the feelings that came up in the moment that needed healing. I marveled at how I was given exactly what I needed by a simple life task. (but not until the test was over.) I took the test, and yes, I passed. I stood in line for my picture, and yes I felt exactly the way I imagined I would feel after the test. So I took the picture for my new license, and I should note, it now has the same hair color as I do! (can you hear that story??) In the days that have passed, I have noticed that this little girl does not have the same level of terror, I did heal and integrate a part of myself. Everything I needed was there as long as I was present to receive it. That is my wish for every one this season, Presence to receive the gift.

Listening With Our Whole Body

Ok, so 3 buildings in 3 days did not happen. The day before the first turn over date, 2 of them were canceled at 3 PM. My first reaction was NO! Then I began breathing again and took it all in. I had no control over any of it. I could give you all the stories about how it was unfairly canceled, and how I had worked Thanksgiving weekend, and on and on and on, but I won't. Suffice to say that I recognized that whatever happens is necessary, and I concentrated on how I was feeling. Now, a week later, these 2 buildings are again scheduled to be turned over this week, They are ready. And if they do not get turned over it is not because of something I did or did not do. That much I know for sure. I have faced all my feelings about this and will continue to do so. One of the paradoxes that has come from this is that 'no one listens to what I say.' and 'I have to tell everyone every single thing or it won't get done.' Now there is a koan to sit with.

Today is St Lucia's Day. Sheila is doing a Portal as Sophia Center called Deep Listening: A Light in the Darkness. Dan and I are joining from afar. Here is a blurb from the flier. If you are called, join us too.

Sunday, December 13, 2009
~ The Feast of Saint Lucy ~
12 ~ 5pm Sophia Center

…Hearing sound with the whole body and mind,
One understands It intimately.
~ Eihei Dogen

Deep Listening is an extraordinary practice for this alignment, a profound empowerment of our inner Amazon. Deep Listening allows us to hear with our whole body-heart-mind. We hear the way a Mother hears her Child growing in her womb, the way we can hear the snow falling on a winter night.
Darkness is inescapable. It is the partner of Light. We often think of our
Amazon in terms of taking on the outer world and circumstances. The
inner work of the Amazon is to go toward and into the Darkness, listen
deeply to what our soul is whispering, hear what our body needs, and
develop the capacity to hear the whispers of comfort and guidance, the
whimpers and cries of the Child within, and the voice of the Heart that has,
perhaps, been silenced or unheard in the busyness of life. Deep listening
allows us to hear what our so-called demons are really wanting and
needing in order to become our allies and angels.
In examining a question deeply, with the whole body and mind,
it becomes a teaching that has skin, flesh, bones and marrow.
It is not only mind being transmitted by mind,
but the body itself becoming a vehicle of the truth
and expressing it in every single activity.
~John Daido Loori Roshi
Through Deep Listening, the eye that can see light in the darkness is also cultivated. Deep listening frees us from our conditioning, is without attachment, without any pre-conceived ideas or knowing what will appear.
the link to Sheila's website is included for more info on her work.

http://www.templeofthesacredfeminine.com/Temple/AboutUs/index.html

Much love to all as we sit in the darkness and ponder all that appears in the light.
Nancy