Feeling Joy and Pain

What came up for me today is I can feel joy even though Leah is no longer here in form. I don't even try to explain this phenomenon, there are no words. It has been over 8 years since Leah has died. I have cried rivers of tears, asked WHY a million times, written thousands of words, and gotten stuck in the mire of the accident and the time in the hospital. It is only when I return to my heart and feel those feelings in this moment that I get it. Samyama has served me well in this respect. I now know I can hold it all in my heart. When I let the pain be as it is and hold it in my heart, a shift happens. The more I try to explain this, to put words to the process, the more the words elude me. All I know is that it is beyond feeling at this point. It is just about Being. Being without condition with all of it. Feeling the energy beneath the story, what ever the story is. I can hear Leah telling me to lighten up. I am willing to surrender the story of how a mother who lost her daughter is 'supposed to behave' So that is what I put on the altar today.