Deeper into the Portal

Time is suspended, speeding up, nonexistent as we approach the 10th anniversary. Each day is different. Yesterday on the way back to Raleigh from the beach, I met a woman at a rest stop who asked to use my cell phone. She had been visiting her daughter and left her purse there with all of her money and her cell phone. She told her daughter that in the midst of hugging and hugging, she forgot it. I got back in the car on my way, and burst into tears, missing my own daughter.
Today nuances of those times back 10 years ago slide into my consciousness. Ten years ago today is the last time I saw Leah, the last time I got a hug from her. A feeling of how it felt when I heard she was in the accident. A feeling I had at the hospital, on the way there, talking to her friends. With each glimpse, I let it be there, know it is not real here in this moment, and just be with the feelings. Some of the feelings are not possible to put into words. The desperation of a mother faced to continue on without her daughter. Ten years have passed, and she is still not here.

Entering the Portal

Today I entered the time and space surrounding Leah's transition. It is familiar territory after 10 years, and it is no less painful. It feels like my heart is breaking open all over again. It feels like I am back there trying to make sense of it all, it is heavy and all encompassing. I am willing to be here because I know by now that the only way past this is through it. To meet it as it is in this moment.
Nancy

The Gift of Time and Space

While I had thought that Dan and I would only be living apart for about 6 weeks, reality is that is will be more like more like 4 months. For a while I was not liking that, and being grumpy about it and living 'temporarily'. This was not serving me however, I was feeling horrible physically, and not attending to myself, just biding time until we were back to 'normal'. I was so miserable that I decided to sit with these feelings and find out what was going on here. And I had some revelations, this time and space alone is providing the opportunity for both Dan and me to process things we could not have processed had we been together. We have been given the gift of space and time to just be with our stuff. As I emerged from my stupor, the message I received was this, 'Be grateful for exactly where you are' And so I am. I am grateful for the opportunity to meet myself in a way that is only possible when I am by myself. I am grateful to be given the gift of sleeping in my own bed and making meals for myself, and learning that yes, I can make wonderful meals just for me. I am learning how to take care of myself, by myself. Each week when one of us leaves to go back to our respective 'home' I am meeting an old wound of abandonment, and I am sitting with the feelings as they are. I noticed this past week, they were not as strong, just a little tug that shifted when I allowed it to be there and felt it. I am learning in a new way to be scrupulously present to each moment. Everything I need is in that moment. I am grateful for the silence and the space to once again remember these lessons.

Another Opportunity for Growth

I have been in Raleigh for a week now, working at the Raleigh office. Dan is still at the beach. I am aware how things are different during transition times, and yet, is that the way it is in each moment? Every moment is different from the next. There were several occurrences during this week that spun stories and touched places of fear that have not yet been integrated. These were all very familiar and in the past may have had me spinning with the story for a while before I came to my heart with the feelings...Ah yes, another opportunity for growth. I chose to meet each story as it was and feel the feelings that were there. What I discovered this time is that the fear was not as deep as it had been, my little girl climbed up in my lap, and I held her, and we sat with the fear. And in the next moment it had shifted and I was once again full of gratitude for this work, and the gentle way it takes me into my feelings.
While in Raleigh it will be a good opportunity to see clients face to face here. I welcome that opportunity.

Transitions and Stories

Transition time again, or is it always a transition and I am not always aware? What I have been aware of lately are my stories. So many stories! The good news it I recognize them almost immediately and they make me laugh. A sense of humor is good, and I particularly like mine. When I am overly serious, I know for sure I am lost in the stories, trying to make sense of them. I can hear Leah saying 'Lighten up mom'
I am getting ready to move to a new job. Here is the confusing part, it is in almost the same place, but we have not mobilized on the site yet...which means that I will be going home to Raleigh for a month or so. Then when we mobilbize I will be coming back to the beach. Dan is staying at this job longer, so he will be living at the beach, and I will be in Raleigh, and we will be meeting one place or the other on weekends. It always feels harder to me to stay present when I am in these kind of transition times. Now there is a story for you! Maybe I am more aware of my stories because I am present? It doesn't matter why I am aware of them, what does matter is that when I am aware of my stories, I can move beyond them and not be in a struggle with them. I do know that is when I feel stress the most, when I am believing my stories and trying to make sense of them. I have had several examples lately that things are not what they seem. Things that have made me laugh out loud they were so silly.
So if things are not what they seem, I am willing to be surprised and delighted.

Stirring the Soup

We are back from Minneapolis after a very sustaining visit with Pete. I spent my birthday with my two favorite people in the whole world! Our time together as always is a gift.

Next up is a visit from dear friends, Mary and Rob.

I am feeling momentum, each experience lately feels like ingredients of the soup.
And it is cookin' !!

Gratitude and Love

So much love and gratitude to everyone who has purchased Fearless Nest. And your feed back touches my heart so...
All of the stories contain so much wisdom and transmit love. They all make me feel how connected we all are.
Thanks again. You can always purchase a copy form me and a few dollars will go toward the Leah's Legacy Foundation.

Big Love,
Nancy