Samyama and Traffic

When I lived in Maryland, and the proximity to DC and Baltimore traffic, I would often use traffic as a daily and mundane application for Samyama, first for myself and then my early clients. Being in the moment in traffic was not easy for me at first. I was impatient, and wanted it to move, NOW. This was sometimes tied to being late, but not always. I always allowed enough time, even for 'normal rush hour traffic' and for the most part was never late. Being late was definitely one of my triggers, it still is. I had an experience this last week with traffic and being late. As a child and growing up, being on time for me was a way I (thought) I could control things. This past week I had a hair appointment in a new location in Wilmington, NC. I have been to Wilmington, however I knew one way to get around. I gave myself an extra 35 minutes to get there. As it turns out, the road I knew was closed in both directions due to a gas main leak. I sat there, literally, the traffic was not moving, and began to panic, then I remembered to breathe, and I called someone for help. I got what seemed like good directions, so I turned around and set out the other way. I ended up on the right street, just going the wrong way. I still had 20 minutes, so I called the salon, and told them I was on my way, but lost. They were very helpful and got me turned around, and I realized now that I would be late, and told them so. They said not to worry, the appointment after mine had canceled, and they were happy they could help me. OK, now my decision was to continue breathing, staying in my heart and taking to heart what they told me, OR, tell myself a story about how I was late and blah, blah blah.....I chose to stay in my heart, and I was 20 minutes late, and then I asked myself, 'what is being late anyway?' Even though it seemed a struggle at the time, I did stay present, I was late, and I made it though and had a pleasant experience, and I learned another way around Wilmington. Again, another example of how every day life holds a lesson as long as we are present to receive it. For example, if I had not been present enough to receive guidance to call someone, I may have relied on a past memory of a similar experience and sat there hoping the road was not closed, (I didn't know it was closed at the time) and been even later, and maybe been too full of shame to show up at all) None of this made me feel very good, and that was OK. I was with the feeling as it was, and knew that the lesson there that day was necessary. Oh, and I got the best haircut I have had in almost a year.

Samyama and the Driver's Test

I have been in Raleigh on vacation since Thursday. Yes, on vacation at home. It has been filled with many opportunities to meet parts of myself. The most powerful came last Thursday and Friday when I went to get my North Carolina driver's license. Yes, I have been here over 2 years as a permanent resident (over 4 years total) and I still had my Maryland license. We picked up a rules of the road to study a couple of months ago. We studied a little, but not a whole lot. We went to the MVA Thursday morning. I immediately felt the same way I did every time I took a test. I did not pass the test. I was horrified, and all the stories came, how I did not test well, how the questions were tricky, etc, etc. I also thought at the same time what a wonderful opportunity it was to be having this type of experience in the space I am currently living (internally) So I stayed with the feelings of inadequacy, of terror, and just let them all come in each moment. I also went home to study. I really wanted to put it all off until Monday. Instead I brought to mind how I would feel after the test was over and I passed, and I allowed myself to feel it as fully as I could, and I studied some more. The next morning I got up and went back to the MVA. I sat down and opened the book again and I again felt the terror, and felt myself freezing up, so I closed the book and got back into my heart, I invoked all the helpers I could think of, including healed and whole ancestors who have passed driver's tests. As my number was called, I felt a little calmer. I sat down to give my preliminary information, and I heard (in my head) 'there is no reason for you to feel such terror' It sounded like good advice, I witnessed it and said, 'But terror is what I feel, and I am going to feel it,.' So I did. At that moment I also told the little girl who was feeling the terror that she did not have to take the test, I would take it. I stayed in my heart and I kept feeling the terror. All this while, the guy inputting my information seemed to indicate he was having 'trouble' getting it to send to a computer. I was given the time I needed to feel what was in the moment. If I had told my self over and over that I should not feel that way, I would have missed the feelings that came up in the moment that needed healing. I marveled at how I was given exactly what I needed by a simple life task. (but not until the test was over.) I took the test, and yes, I passed. I stood in line for my picture, and yes I felt exactly the way I imagined I would feel after the test. So I took the picture for my new license, and I should note, it now has the same hair color as I do! (can you hear that story??) In the days that have passed, I have noticed that this little girl does not have the same level of terror, I did heal and integrate a part of myself. Everything I needed was there as long as I was present to receive it. That is my wish for every one this season, Presence to receive the gift.

Listening With Our Whole Body

Ok, so 3 buildings in 3 days did not happen. The day before the first turn over date, 2 of them were canceled at 3 PM. My first reaction was NO! Then I began breathing again and took it all in. I had no control over any of it. I could give you all the stories about how it was unfairly canceled, and how I had worked Thanksgiving weekend, and on and on and on, but I won't. Suffice to say that I recognized that whatever happens is necessary, and I concentrated on how I was feeling. Now, a week later, these 2 buildings are again scheduled to be turned over this week, They are ready. And if they do not get turned over it is not because of something I did or did not do. That much I know for sure. I have faced all my feelings about this and will continue to do so. One of the paradoxes that has come from this is that 'no one listens to what I say.' and 'I have to tell everyone every single thing or it won't get done.' Now there is a koan to sit with.

Today is St Lucia's Day. Sheila is doing a Portal as Sophia Center called Deep Listening: A Light in the Darkness. Dan and I are joining from afar. Here is a blurb from the flier. If you are called, join us too.

Sunday, December 13, 2009
~ The Feast of Saint Lucy ~
12 ~ 5pm Sophia Center

…Hearing sound with the whole body and mind,
One understands It intimately.
~ Eihei Dogen

Deep Listening is an extraordinary practice for this alignment, a profound empowerment of our inner Amazon. Deep Listening allows us to hear with our whole body-heart-mind. We hear the way a Mother hears her Child growing in her womb, the way we can hear the snow falling on a winter night.
Darkness is inescapable. It is the partner of Light. We often think of our
Amazon in terms of taking on the outer world and circumstances. The
inner work of the Amazon is to go toward and into the Darkness, listen
deeply to what our soul is whispering, hear what our body needs, and
develop the capacity to hear the whispers of comfort and guidance, the
whimpers and cries of the Child within, and the voice of the Heart that has,
perhaps, been silenced or unheard in the busyness of life. Deep listening
allows us to hear what our so-called demons are really wanting and
needing in order to become our allies and angels.
In examining a question deeply, with the whole body and mind,
it becomes a teaching that has skin, flesh, bones and marrow.
It is not only mind being transmitted by mind,
but the body itself becoming a vehicle of the truth
and expressing it in every single activity.
~John Daido Loori Roshi
Through Deep Listening, the eye that can see light in the darkness is also cultivated. Deep listening frees us from our conditioning, is without attachment, without any pre-conceived ideas or knowing what will appear.
the link to Sheila's website is included for more info on her work.

http://www.templeofthesacredfeminine.com/Temple/AboutUs/index.html

Much love to all as we sit in the darkness and ponder all that appears in the light.
Nancy

Three Buildings in Three Days

Whew, what a weekend. Three of my buildings are turning over next week, December 2nd, 3rd and 4th. I have been working tirelessly with my team to get them ready for the owner walk throughs for the last several months. The last month has been particularly stressful, and a really good reminder to me to stay present. This weekend everyone left for the long Thanksgiving weekend. That left me to be here myself to shoulder all of the work. By Wednesday I was quite frazzled and did not want to hear everyone's frivolity as they made plans for a 4 day weekend, and looking forward to a good respite from the job. I was sleep deprived and more than a little triggered. The first lovely thing that happened is that Dan volunteered to come in with me. With that support, I slept well for the first time Wednesday night. We had a very restful Thanksgiving, by ourselves. This is the first one by ourselves ever. We are thankful for everyone we ever spent this day with, and sent good thoughts to Pete in Thailand.
Dan and I did manual labor to get the buildings ready, it is just what happens toward the end of the job. Saturday morning he let me sleep in, and I had a wonderful restorative morning. So here it is Sunday afternoon. I have cleaners at the buildings, and I will go back in a little while to check on them and stay to lock up. I did my best to stay present. I realized this weekend once again what it means to be a priestess. From this place I can do or not do whatever is here. I was again reminded that whatever I need arises in my everyday experiences, that is what my life is for. There is still a way to go before the buildings are completely ready. But I am not alone in this, I never have been.
Much gratitude and love to Dan, and to all my helpers, seen and unseen.

Happy Thanksgiving

Today I have so much gratitude for everyone and every moment that brought me to this one. Gratitude and Love.

The Dismembering of a Life

I find myself in more dismemberment and at the same time, large flashes of what is True. Dan and I are embarking on leaving the known and stepping into the unknown. To think we were ever in the known is an illusion, I know that better than anyone. It has been one of the huge lessons of the initiation of Leah's death. We are taking a conscious step into the unknown, willing to know when we know, picking up the breadcrumbs when they appear. It is exciting and terrifying. In the terrifying moments I watch myself trying to negotiate safety, at least what my ego defines as safety. And when I drop back into my heart and sit with it all, my heart knows that leaving everything and stepping into the unknown is True and Right. I also know I do not have to make the timetable for it, or do anything. There terror always asks, 'How will you know what to do???'
There is nothing to do. I remain open to receiving what is here for me in the moment, and all is given. Dan and I were talking about our latest gifts of inspiration, and I caught sight of all of the moments in our lives that had led us to that moment, and I am truly grateful. It is not lost on me that we have had these latest insights in the space of another November.
Only Love, and Gratitude.

Today's Intention

Today I am willing to be surprised and delighted.