Time To Go Deeper

As I asked what to place upon the altar of my heart this morning, I got teary eyed and thought of Leah. It has been quite some time since thoughts of her have elicited such strong emotion. My first thought was, no, not this, not now, and then I took a breath and relaxed into the emotion and asked what is here for me now? I have recently started a journey to add a facet of healing to my practice. I am training to become a Certified Eating Psychology Coach through The Institute for the Psychology of Eating. This work is deep, and examines eating and body image challenges in ways that are new to me. As I am studying this work, I am also applying the what I am learning to my own relationship with food and body image. I am finding new portals into my inner work. I will write more here soon about some of what I am learning. What I realized this morning as I sat with these feelings of grief that are arising is that slowing down with eating is also slowing down other areas of my life, and allowing what is now ready to emerge to rise to the top to be seen. wow! So today I place upon the altar of my heart my sweet girl. It is now time to go more deeply into my relationship with her as she is now, more than 12 years after her physical passing from my life. This really does excite me, because I have gone really deep already, and I know the grace that is revealed when I meet what wants to be met, no matter how painful. Much gratitude to all who have brought me to this moment.

Investigation of Playfulness Report

My investigation into playfulness was, well, fun! It began on my birthday, and I reclaimed my right to enjoy and celebrate me. I began to discover how delicious it is to slowly savor each activity, or non-activity. (hmmm, the next investigation?) I then asked to be shown obstacles that keep me from being playful. This is a great question no matter what the prayer or investigation is, as it invites unhealed, unintegrated moments from earlier in your life to arise. Not long after I dropped the question in, I was triggered in a way that brought me to my knees. Rather than reacting to the trigger and lashing out at the person who triggered me, I took the feelings into my heart and sat with them. What I realized is the triggered feelings were the exact feelings I had as a child when I was being bullied, or not believed. Wow, what a gift! I was given the opportunity to heal a part of myself that I might not have gotten to in any other way. I spent the next couple of days with my young child and loved her in a way she was not loved when the neighbors were telling her to eat sand, or not believing something she said. I asked her what she needed, I told her she had a right to have fun, to play, and asked her what she wanted to do. So we colored, jumped rope, and put blue and purple streaks in our hair. As the days went on, I discovered that playfulness took on a new energy. I could be serious and playful at the same time. All of the old stories came up to be witnessed and surrendered. Being playful did not mean I was lazy or unproductive. Rather the opposite was true. When I did things with a playful attitude, they happened effortlessly. When I was playful I was present. My newly integrated child selves were feeling safe. Playfulness is my new way of being. It allows me to meet my life with curiosity. I am particularly liking my playful energy without all of the stories I had about playing, the shoulds and should nots. I am rediscovering what it means to be surprised and delighted. I invite you too to investigate your own playful nature.

On the Altar Today

On the altar lately.....entering the mystery of mySelf, and investigating playfulness. Are they related? can't wait to find out. What is on your altar today?

Still Waters Run Deep

I have not posted here regularly for a while. That does not mean that nothing has been happening, quite the contrary. Things have been happening on a deep level. Do you know what it feels like when you think nothing is happening in your life? Sometimes it feels like you are stuck and sometimes it feels like you are in a rut, and sometimes it feels like absolutely nothing is happening. If you are continuing to do your inner work, tending to soul, putting your prayers on the altar, movement is there, you just might not be aware of it at the time. That is what was happening with me. In the last year or so I have done a deep dive into nurturing myself in body, mind and spirit, without attachement to outcome, without expectation of what this might look like. My practices during this time were many and varied, I used many of the tools in my medicine bag including Samyama, the Ho'opponopono Prayer, monthly novenas, collage making, voice dialog, doing nothing, etc. I began to emerge from this time of Stillness several months ago with some new juicy opportunities arising. There was and is a newness to my spirit, there is a new awareness of my relationship with Leah. Peter and I are moving into a new chapter in our relationship. Dan and I are planning our next adventure. I was ready to step into this newness, and then the gate keepers came knocking, big time. I spent some time with them, and found myself in a waiting game. Waiting for what? That is the million dollar question, there is nothing for me to wait for, I can be me now, I am me now, the stories I spin are quite amusing sometimes, and it took someone telling me I was in a rut to recognize just that, yeah I was. At the same time I also recognized that I have done the work to step out of that rut. Step into a soulful life, a life lived consciously, embodied, willing to meet the gate keepers with gratitude and move beyond the fear they stir. I have tremendous gratitude for the mystery and the unknown that are always at work, even when we are not aware.

Another birthday

Today is Leah's birthday, a year since my last post here. So many blessings have come our way. Connections with old friends, new insights. I started samayama circles to introduce samayama to those who were ready to know more. Today finds my broken open heart filled with gratitude for all that is. So today I say happy birthday to my sweet girl who has been and continues to be one of my greatest teachers. Thank you for the honor of being your mother. Thank you also to all of you who have held us in love and continue to do so. So much love and gratitude, Nancy

Happy Birthday Leah

Today is Leah's birthday, she would have been 28, her golden birthday, aaah a tear comes to my eye as I remember her pouting as a little girl that she would have to wait too long for her golden birthday. So today I invoke Golden Nectar to soothe the places that still hurt so much, and let my heart break open yet again. And in sitting with this, there is gratitude for the journey I am on, not needing to know why, bowing to the mystery of it all. Knowing that I have been carried on the wings of love. As I think back to all the moments that have led up to this one, I am in awe of it all.
We are headed to Minneapolis tomorrow to see Pete. As always, there are blessings amidst the pain.
much love to all,
Nancy

Samyama Info Session

This past Saturday, March 5th, we held a Samyama information session in Raleigh. I was an opportunity to begin to share Samyama with others who had not previously had experience with Samyama.
It was a grace filled couple of hours. I am grateful to all who attended, and everyone who was holding us.

Much love, Nancy