Listening With Our Whole Body

Ok, so 3 buildings in 3 days did not happen. The day before the first turn over date, 2 of them were canceled at 3 PM. My first reaction was NO! Then I began breathing again and took it all in. I had no control over any of it. I could give you all the stories about how it was unfairly canceled, and how I had worked Thanksgiving weekend, and on and on and on, but I won't. Suffice to say that I recognized that whatever happens is necessary, and I concentrated on how I was feeling. Now, a week later, these 2 buildings are again scheduled to be turned over this week, They are ready. And if they do not get turned over it is not because of something I did or did not do. That much I know for sure. I have faced all my feelings about this and will continue to do so. One of the paradoxes that has come from this is that 'no one listens to what I say.' and 'I have to tell everyone every single thing or it won't get done.' Now there is a koan to sit with.

Today is St Lucia's Day. Sheila is doing a Portal as Sophia Center called Deep Listening: A Light in the Darkness. Dan and I are joining from afar. Here is a blurb from the flier. If you are called, join us too.

Sunday, December 13, 2009
~ The Feast of Saint Lucy ~
12 ~ 5pm Sophia Center

…Hearing sound with the whole body and mind,
One understands It intimately.
~ Eihei Dogen

Deep Listening is an extraordinary practice for this alignment, a profound empowerment of our inner Amazon. Deep Listening allows us to hear with our whole body-heart-mind. We hear the way a Mother hears her Child growing in her womb, the way we can hear the snow falling on a winter night.
Darkness is inescapable. It is the partner of Light. We often think of our
Amazon in terms of taking on the outer world and circumstances. The
inner work of the Amazon is to go toward and into the Darkness, listen
deeply to what our soul is whispering, hear what our body needs, and
develop the capacity to hear the whispers of comfort and guidance, the
whimpers and cries of the Child within, and the voice of the Heart that has,
perhaps, been silenced or unheard in the busyness of life. Deep listening
allows us to hear what our so-called demons are really wanting and
needing in order to become our allies and angels.
In examining a question deeply, with the whole body and mind,
it becomes a teaching that has skin, flesh, bones and marrow.
It is not only mind being transmitted by mind,
but the body itself becoming a vehicle of the truth
and expressing it in every single activity.
~John Daido Loori Roshi
Through Deep Listening, the eye that can see light in the darkness is also cultivated. Deep listening frees us from our conditioning, is without attachment, without any pre-conceived ideas or knowing what will appear.
the link to Sheila's website is included for more info on her work.

http://www.templeofthesacredfeminine.com/Temple/AboutUs/index.html

Much love to all as we sit in the darkness and ponder all that appears in the light.
Nancy

Three Buildings in Three Days

Whew, what a weekend. Three of my buildings are turning over next week, December 2nd, 3rd and 4th. I have been working tirelessly with my team to get them ready for the owner walk throughs for the last several months. The last month has been particularly stressful, and a really good reminder to me to stay present. This weekend everyone left for the long Thanksgiving weekend. That left me to be here myself to shoulder all of the work. By Wednesday I was quite frazzled and did not want to hear everyone's frivolity as they made plans for a 4 day weekend, and looking forward to a good respite from the job. I was sleep deprived and more than a little triggered. The first lovely thing that happened is that Dan volunteered to come in with me. With that support, I slept well for the first time Wednesday night. We had a very restful Thanksgiving, by ourselves. This is the first one by ourselves ever. We are thankful for everyone we ever spent this day with, and sent good thoughts to Pete in Thailand.
Dan and I did manual labor to get the buildings ready, it is just what happens toward the end of the job. Saturday morning he let me sleep in, and I had a wonderful restorative morning. So here it is Sunday afternoon. I have cleaners at the buildings, and I will go back in a little while to check on them and stay to lock up. I did my best to stay present. I realized this weekend once again what it means to be a priestess. From this place I can do or not do whatever is here. I was again reminded that whatever I need arises in my everyday experiences, that is what my life is for. There is still a way to go before the buildings are completely ready. But I am not alone in this, I never have been.
Much gratitude and love to Dan, and to all my helpers, seen and unseen.

Happy Thanksgiving

Today I have so much gratitude for everyone and every moment that brought me to this one. Gratitude and Love.

The Dismembering of a Life

I find myself in more dismemberment and at the same time, large flashes of what is True. Dan and I are embarking on leaving the known and stepping into the unknown. To think we were ever in the known is an illusion, I know that better than anyone. It has been one of the huge lessons of the initiation of Leah's death. We are taking a conscious step into the unknown, willing to know when we know, picking up the breadcrumbs when they appear. It is exciting and terrifying. In the terrifying moments I watch myself trying to negotiate safety, at least what my ego defines as safety. And when I drop back into my heart and sit with it all, my heart knows that leaving everything and stepping into the unknown is True and Right. I also know I do not have to make the timetable for it, or do anything. There terror always asks, 'How will you know what to do???'
There is nothing to do. I remain open to receiving what is here for me in the moment, and all is given. Dan and I were talking about our latest gifts of inspiration, and I caught sight of all of the moments in our lives that had led us to that moment, and I am truly grateful. It is not lost on me that we have had these latest insights in the space of another November.
Only Love, and Gratitude.

Today's Intention

Today I am willing to be surprised and delighted.

Dreams of Leah

I have been having dreams about Leah the last week or so. In it she is a reticent teenager, and does not talk to me. Or she is mad at me because I let her die, and donated her organs and she cannot come back. Today I place upon the altar my willingness to be with these feelings. At this time it feels like the veil is thin. Like another layer is getting peeled away. It takes my breath away because I know how painful this can be. And I am willing to be here, with is as it is to see what is revealed. Thank you for your witness.
Nancy

Taking Stock

The calendar tells me we are approaching another November 8th. Every year about this time I find my self ‘taking stock’ so to speak of where I am in my grief process. I look back on the previous years and sit with where I am today.This is the first year I do not feel I am ‘in a grief process’ I am in a process for sure, and some days there is grief, there is also a profound connection with Leah as she is now.

I no longer define my self as grieving for my daughter. The path through my grief has brought me into the light. I know that now. I did not want to know it for a long, long time. It is not something that I understand, it is something I know, it is here without emotion, like all things that are True. It just is, I allow it to be. I feel Leah’s presence in all of this, I wonder if she has come to understand without question that this path we are on together is necessary for each of us. I am comfortable with this unknown, this path has served my familiarity with the unknown.

I could go back and say what if, and sometimes I find myself tearing the overgrown weeds from that path to see what is there, and when the thorns prick my finger I am reminded again to sit with the pain as it is in this moment. I have so much gratitude! Who would have thought this was possible 9 years ago, yes, it will be 9 years since Leah made her transition to spirit. The enormity of that knocks me over sometimes, she would have been 26. Each year I when I contemplate this milestone, I am amazed at the difference each year brings. I have so much gratitude for Pete, and Dan. We have each responded to this initiation in our own way, each of us meeting the moment and doing our own work. We share a close bond.

As I embark on my Samyama practice, I am reminded that it is Samyama that brought me from that moment 9 years ago to this one. I have been blessed with working with several people who have also lost children, and as I sit with them and hold the space with them, my heart knows for sure I am on my path, following my call, day by day, moment by moment, always Now.