Being With Grief

Since I've last written here, lots has happened. Deconstruction and new life, stepping into my strength, answering a call that I was reluctant to answer. In June of 2014 Being With Grief was born. I stepped fully into my work helping others navigate their grief journeys. I am working on my book, and growing my practice. You can read more about it on my website. www.beingwithgrief.com Visit my website and sign up for my newsletter to receive inspiration directly in you inbox, and to learn about our business and how you can work with me.

Transitions

I am in a transition. As I write today, I have 11 more days at Whiting-Turner, my job for almost 20 years. I am so grateful for the lessons this job has brought me and for my Whiting-Turner family. I am transitioning to a calling that has roots in my greatest initiation to date, Leah’s transition to spirit almost 13 years ago. My WT family was there, taking care of us as we tried to make sense of what made no sense at the time. They were there at the hospital with hugs, food and prayers, and continued their support at her funeral and as we headed back to work when we really wanted to just stay in our cocoon of pain. This initiation took us through territory we did not want to go. I have written much about it, here in this blog as well as in Fearless Nest, Our Children as our Greatest Teachers, and Living Through Grief, Love Revealed. I have been preparing to step into through the threshold to my calling as I met each moment of this intense initiation. I was reflecting this weekend about Leah and our time together, tears come now as I think about it again, and it has always been my willingness to meet the tears and the feelings in my heart that has nurtured the evolution of my calling. As I prepare to step into the fullness of my Being, my dream time has been very active, helping in the preparation. In one dream I was in the conference room at my present job and all the people from that job were there as well as people from the work I am stepping into. I asked where I could find my new place to work, and someone told me it was far away from here, through the forest, and I should follow the lights. I went out and found myself in a forest, it was dark and all of the trees had white lights on them, and it was foggy, I began running and did not trip or fall in the foggy darkness. As I ran, I saw a city lit up across a bridge, it was a long swing bridge across a huge abyss, and it also had lights on it. I ran across the bridge without hesitation, something I would not have done in real life. I was fearless as I approached the lights in the city; I woke up just before I got there. In another dream I was in a complex configuration of places and getting from place to place was also difficult. This is a familiar landscape from past dreams. At one point in the dream I was told the world was ending, I did not believe it. I stayed calm while others around me did not. Just before I woke up I was in a room with a lot of other people and a woman set a timer to 2 hours and 10 minutes and said that is when the world would probably end. I remained calm and communicated to Dan wordlessly that it would not happen for us. These dreams make it clear to me that I am ready to enter my new life. The next few days I will continue to be present in my job, giving thanks for all I have learned and all the people who have been with me on this part of my journey. When I leave I will take the time I need to find my own rhythm, listen to my body wisdom and continue creating my new offering to the world. I have always known that the initiation of Leah’s death was an important part of my life here on planet earth. It has helped me to discover my gift to give the world. I am so grateful to my amazing daughter for her gift, her light and for the honor of being her mother. She is definitely here with me as I go forward. I recently became certified as a Psychology of Eating Coach. I will be combining Samyama with that work. One thing I can tell you now about what that may look like is that my calling will be to help women step in their feminine, their queen and higher purpose using eating challenges as the doorway to soul lessons. More to be revealed as it is revealed to me. Much love and gratitude to all.

Time To Go Deeper

As I asked what to place upon the altar of my heart this morning, I got teary eyed and thought of Leah. It has been quite some time since thoughts of her have elicited such strong emotion. My first thought was, no, not this, not now, and then I took a breath and relaxed into the emotion and asked what is here for me now? I have recently started a journey to add a facet of healing to my practice. I am training to become a Certified Eating Psychology Coach through The Institute for the Psychology of Eating. This work is deep, and examines eating and body image challenges in ways that are new to me. As I am studying this work, I am also applying the what I am learning to my own relationship with food and body image. I am finding new portals into my inner work. I will write more here soon about some of what I am learning. What I realized this morning as I sat with these feelings of grief that are arising is that slowing down with eating is also slowing down other areas of my life, and allowing what is now ready to emerge to rise to the top to be seen. wow! So today I place upon the altar of my heart my sweet girl. It is now time to go more deeply into my relationship with her as she is now, more than 12 years after her physical passing from my life. This really does excite me, because I have gone really deep already, and I know the grace that is revealed when I meet what wants to be met, no matter how painful. Much gratitude to all who have brought me to this moment.

Investigation of Playfulness Report

My investigation into playfulness was, well, fun! It began on my birthday, and I reclaimed my right to enjoy and celebrate me. I began to discover how delicious it is to slowly savor each activity, or non-activity. (hmmm, the next investigation?) I then asked to be shown obstacles that keep me from being playful. This is a great question no matter what the prayer or investigation is, as it invites unhealed, unintegrated moments from earlier in your life to arise. Not long after I dropped the question in, I was triggered in a way that brought me to my knees. Rather than reacting to the trigger and lashing out at the person who triggered me, I took the feelings into my heart and sat with them. What I realized is the triggered feelings were the exact feelings I had as a child when I was being bullied, or not believed. Wow, what a gift! I was given the opportunity to heal a part of myself that I might not have gotten to in any other way. I spent the next couple of days with my young child and loved her in a way she was not loved when the neighbors were telling her to eat sand, or not believing something she said. I asked her what she needed, I told her she had a right to have fun, to play, and asked her what she wanted to do. So we colored, jumped rope, and put blue and purple streaks in our hair. As the days went on, I discovered that playfulness took on a new energy. I could be serious and playful at the same time. All of the old stories came up to be witnessed and surrendered. Being playful did not mean I was lazy or unproductive. Rather the opposite was true. When I did things with a playful attitude, they happened effortlessly. When I was playful I was present. My newly integrated child selves were feeling safe. Playfulness is my new way of being. It allows me to meet my life with curiosity. I am particularly liking my playful energy without all of the stories I had about playing, the shoulds and should nots. I am rediscovering what it means to be surprised and delighted. I invite you too to investigate your own playful nature.

On the Altar Today

On the altar lately.....entering the mystery of mySelf, and investigating playfulness. Are they related? can't wait to find out. What is on your altar today?

Still Waters Run Deep

I have not posted here regularly for a while. That does not mean that nothing has been happening, quite the contrary. Things have been happening on a deep level. Do you know what it feels like when you think nothing is happening in your life? Sometimes it feels like you are stuck and sometimes it feels like you are in a rut, and sometimes it feels like absolutely nothing is happening. If you are continuing to do your inner work, tending to soul, putting your prayers on the altar, movement is there, you just might not be aware of it at the time. That is what was happening with me. In the last year or so I have done a deep dive into nurturing myself in body, mind and spirit, without attachement to outcome, without expectation of what this might look like. My practices during this time were many and varied, I used many of the tools in my medicine bag including Samyama, the Ho'opponopono Prayer, monthly novenas, collage making, voice dialog, doing nothing, etc. I began to emerge from this time of Stillness several months ago with some new juicy opportunities arising. There was and is a newness to my spirit, there is a new awareness of my relationship with Leah. Peter and I are moving into a new chapter in our relationship. Dan and I are planning our next adventure. I was ready to step into this newness, and then the gate keepers came knocking, big time. I spent some time with them, and found myself in a waiting game. Waiting for what? That is the million dollar question, there is nothing for me to wait for, I can be me now, I am me now, the stories I spin are quite amusing sometimes, and it took someone telling me I was in a rut to recognize just that, yeah I was. At the same time I also recognized that I have done the work to step out of that rut. Step into a soulful life, a life lived consciously, embodied, willing to meet the gate keepers with gratitude and move beyond the fear they stir. I have tremendous gratitude for the mystery and the unknown that are always at work, even when we are not aware.

Another birthday

Today is Leah's birthday, a year since my last post here. So many blessings have come our way. Connections with old friends, new insights. I started samayama circles to introduce samayama to those who were ready to know more. Today finds my broken open heart filled with gratitude for all that is. So today I say happy birthday to my sweet girl who has been and continues to be one of my greatest teachers. Thank you for the honor of being your mother. Thank you also to all of you who have held us in love and continue to do so. So much love and gratitude, Nancy

Happy Birthday Leah

Today is Leah's birthday, she would have been 28, her golden birthday, aaah a tear comes to my eye as I remember her pouting as a little girl that she would have to wait too long for her golden birthday. So today I invoke Golden Nectar to soothe the places that still hurt so much, and let my heart break open yet again. And in sitting with this, there is gratitude for the journey I am on, not needing to know why, bowing to the mystery of it all. Knowing that I have been carried on the wings of love. As I think back to all the moments that have led up to this one, I am in awe of it all.
We are headed to Minneapolis tomorrow to see Pete. As always, there are blessings amidst the pain.
much love to all,
Nancy

Samyama Info Session

This past Saturday, March 5th, we held a Samyama information session in Raleigh. I was an opportunity to begin to share Samyama with others who had not previously had experience with Samyama.
It was a grace filled couple of hours. I am grateful to all who attended, and everyone who was holding us.

Much love, Nancy

Sangoma

Please check out the link and consider backing this project

Scrupulous Devotion to Present Moment

Surprises are found in the present moment,
not what you think is the present moment,
not what you want the present moment to be,
this moment, this one here, now this one...
without any attachment to what it is.

ahhhhhh

The present moment always suprises and delights!

Now Year Resolutions

As a new year begins, talk abounds of New Year's Resolutions. Again this year, I make no resolution to begin on January 1, 2011. If I were to make a resolution it would be to meet each moment as it is, without expectation of what it will hold, or what my behavior will be based upon this expectation. I have been living this way for a while, so I guess you could say I make this resolution each new day, a now year resolution. Sure there are things in my life I would like to be different, to improve. I have tried for a long time to change things by shear force, or by wishing them away, or a thousand other ways. The only way that works is to meet whatever it is as it is, and feeling the feelings that arise around whatever it may be. This is Samyama, to meet each day, each hour, each minute as new, and feel what is here. By feeling the feeling as it appears, and allowing myself to meet it in my heart, magic happens, alchemy. Someting shifts, a new insight comes in, a person appears in my life to help me. I still marvel at the wonder of it all. I invite you into your own inquiry. What are you longing for? What you are longing for is also longing for you.

Nancy

It's Brand New

Welcome to my updated blog. My practice is growing and so is my page. Please pass on the link to your friends so that we can spread the word and the work to all who are called.

The light is returning, may your life be illuminated in all the places you are longing for light and Truth.

Much love,

Nancy

Deeper into the Portal

Time is suspended, speeding up, nonexistent as we approach the 10th anniversary. Each day is different. Yesterday on the way back to Raleigh from the beach, I met a woman at a rest stop who asked to use my cell phone. She had been visiting her daughter and left her purse there with all of her money and her cell phone. She told her daughter that in the midst of hugging and hugging, she forgot it. I got back in the car on my way, and burst into tears, missing my own daughter.
Today nuances of those times back 10 years ago slide into my consciousness. Ten years ago today is the last time I saw Leah, the last time I got a hug from her. A feeling of how it felt when I heard she was in the accident. A feeling I had at the hospital, on the way there, talking to her friends. With each glimpse, I let it be there, know it is not real here in this moment, and just be with the feelings. Some of the feelings are not possible to put into words. The desperation of a mother faced to continue on without her daughter. Ten years have passed, and she is still not here.

Entering the Portal

Today I entered the time and space surrounding Leah's transition. It is familiar territory after 10 years, and it is no less painful. It feels like my heart is breaking open all over again. It feels like I am back there trying to make sense of it all, it is heavy and all encompassing. I am willing to be here because I know by now that the only way past this is through it. To meet it as it is in this moment.
Nancy

The Gift of Time and Space

While I had thought that Dan and I would only be living apart for about 6 weeks, reality is that is will be more like more like 4 months. For a while I was not liking that, and being grumpy about it and living 'temporarily'. This was not serving me however, I was feeling horrible physically, and not attending to myself, just biding time until we were back to 'normal'. I was so miserable that I decided to sit with these feelings and find out what was going on here. And I had some revelations, this time and space alone is providing the opportunity for both Dan and me to process things we could not have processed had we been together. We have been given the gift of space and time to just be with our stuff. As I emerged from my stupor, the message I received was this, 'Be grateful for exactly where you are' And so I am. I am grateful for the opportunity to meet myself in a way that is only possible when I am by myself. I am grateful to be given the gift of sleeping in my own bed and making meals for myself, and learning that yes, I can make wonderful meals just for me. I am learning how to take care of myself, by myself. Each week when one of us leaves to go back to our respective 'home' I am meeting an old wound of abandonment, and I am sitting with the feelings as they are. I noticed this past week, they were not as strong, just a little tug that shifted when I allowed it to be there and felt it. I am learning in a new way to be scrupulously present to each moment. Everything I need is in that moment. I am grateful for the silence and the space to once again remember these lessons.

Another Opportunity for Growth

I have been in Raleigh for a week now, working at the Raleigh office. Dan is still at the beach. I am aware how things are different during transition times, and yet, is that the way it is in each moment? Every moment is different from the next. There were several occurrences during this week that spun stories and touched places of fear that have not yet been integrated. These were all very familiar and in the past may have had me spinning with the story for a while before I came to my heart with the feelings...Ah yes, another opportunity for growth. I chose to meet each story as it was and feel the feelings that were there. What I discovered this time is that the fear was not as deep as it had been, my little girl climbed up in my lap, and I held her, and we sat with the fear. And in the next moment it had shifted and I was once again full of gratitude for this work, and the gentle way it takes me into my feelings.
While in Raleigh it will be a good opportunity to see clients face to face here. I welcome that opportunity.

Transitions and Stories

Transition time again, or is it always a transition and I am not always aware? What I have been aware of lately are my stories. So many stories! The good news it I recognize them almost immediately and they make me laugh. A sense of humor is good, and I particularly like mine. When I am overly serious, I know for sure I am lost in the stories, trying to make sense of them. I can hear Leah saying 'Lighten up mom'
I am getting ready to move to a new job. Here is the confusing part, it is in almost the same place, but we have not mobilized on the site yet...which means that I will be going home to Raleigh for a month or so. Then when we mobilbize I will be coming back to the beach. Dan is staying at this job longer, so he will be living at the beach, and I will be in Raleigh, and we will be meeting one place or the other on weekends. It always feels harder to me to stay present when I am in these kind of transition times. Now there is a story for you! Maybe I am more aware of my stories because I am present? It doesn't matter why I am aware of them, what does matter is that when I am aware of my stories, I can move beyond them and not be in a struggle with them. I do know that is when I feel stress the most, when I am believing my stories and trying to make sense of them. I have had several examples lately that things are not what they seem. Things that have made me laugh out loud they were so silly.
So if things are not what they seem, I am willing to be surprised and delighted.

Stirring the Soup

We are back from Minneapolis after a very sustaining visit with Pete. I spent my birthday with my two favorite people in the whole world! Our time together as always is a gift.

Next up is a visit from dear friends, Mary and Rob.

I am feeling momentum, each experience lately feels like ingredients of the soup.
And it is cookin' !!

Gratitude and Love

So much love and gratitude to everyone who has purchased Fearless Nest. And your feed back touches my heart so...
All of the stories contain so much wisdom and transmit love. They all make me feel how connected we all are.
Thanks again. You can always purchase a copy form me and a few dollars will go toward the Leah's Legacy Foundation.

Big Love,
Nancy